How about we stop talking about this issue?
I know the essence of criticism but that will never ever ever justify my father’s racism. There’s a difference. The only reason I said NO to his question “Do you ever look at someone that just walked passed you and think that ‘oh this guy must be…'” BLAH BLAH BLAH is because I don’t want him to ever think we’re the same or that what he is doing is NORMAL. Cause it’s not.
I know I talk a lot and laugh a lot like I don’t have anything else to do with my brain but that doesn’t mean I really have nothing else in my head. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind that no one will ever think about. I create ideas and scenarios in my head for fun and I look at random people wondering what kind of life they have. The reason why I said NO NO NO NO to his question is because DAD, THAT WILL NEVER JUSTIFY YOUR RACIST ATTITUDE.
One look at a person and a lot of thoughts go through my mind but I NEVER EVER JUST SAY “THIS GUY IS UGLY” or “THIS GIRL IS UGLY… AND FAT, SHE MUST HAVE A XXXXXLARGE UNDERWEAR”.!@#$%^&*(my dad woulds say that). I just don’t label people I don’t know, because I base my compliments and insults on their attitude and intellectual capacity. But I’m not going to try and change my dad’s perspective on people.. haha! I completely understand his situation. His past is cruel and his racist attitude right now must be the result of the experiences he had. I think it’s called Defense Mechanism? And I can’t really blame him for thinking black people are this and that and Russians are this and that and Indians are this and that… my my he has a lot to say to different people! One of the reasons is because he was not able to finish his university studies because he got my mom pregnant.. (but I’m telling you they’re both really, really smart) and now he can only work in a fast food chain. I don’t have any problem with that. I am proud of my dad. He worked in Saudi for 12 years to give us a very luxurious life, he’s working really hard right now and he’s a very supportive father to me and to my brother and sister. He knows what he’s doing and he knows he’s being a racist when he says things. He knows the consequences and the negativity of the idea. He knows it’s wrong and he knows that he can offend people but he said he will never stop, because that’s him. And that made me realize that maybe he also knows that he needs to be racist for his confidence to survive in this world full of amazing and wonderful people.
My mom on the other hand completely took my “innocence” seriously. Of course mom, I am well aware of my surroundings. I hope you understand why I don’t know where the cooking oil is and why I don’t know how to use our oven. We just moved here in Canada, my head is filled with ideas and plans and scary thoughts like university… I can’t relax my mind even for a minute because I worry so much for my future, we don’t know this country; I don’t know the ways here, and those horrifying truths are what are occupying my mind. I hope I can discuss this topic (racism) with you again, when I’m in a comfortable state. (I was crying when we had this discussion hihihi).
Mom, I hope you don’t look at this as your daughter being rebellious. I am growing, I am learning, of course I wouldn’t just rely on your knowledge anymore. I have to look at the world through my own eyes and discover new ideas and choose what I think is best for me to believe in. This is how you raised me; you gave me the right to choose on whatever religion I think would suit me. This freedom of course will be applied on other aspects too. Whether I like it or not, I will now have to carefully filter words, phrases, quotes, news, essays, blogs and books before I believe it. Of course I believe you. I trust you. But I need to get this brain of mine to start working and function on its own. I thank you for giving me this kind of ability. Love you.♥