Rcsm wth mm & dd

How about we stop talking about this issue?

I know the essence of criticism but that will never ever ever justify my father’s racism. There’s a difference. The only reason I said NO to his question “Do you ever look at someone that just walked passed you and think that ‘oh this guy must be…'” BLAH BLAH BLAH is because I don’t want him to ever think we’re the same or that what he is doing is NORMAL. Cause it’s not.

I know I talk a lot and laugh a lot like I don’t have anything else to do with my brain but that doesn’t mean I really have nothing else in my head. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind that no one will ever think about. I create ideas and scenarios in my head for fun and I look at random people wondering what kind of life they have. The reason why I said NO NO NO NO to his question is because DAD, THAT WILL NEVER JUSTIFY YOUR RACIST ATTITUDE.

One look at a person and a lot of thoughts go through my mind but I NEVER EVER JUST SAY “THIS GUY IS UGLY” or “THIS GIRL IS UGLY… AND FAT, SHE MUST HAVE A XXXXXLARGE UNDERWEAR”.!@#$%^&*(my dad woulds say that). I just don’t label people I don’t know, because I base my compliments and insults on their attitude and intellectual capacity. But I’m not going to try and change my dad’s perspective on people.. haha! I completely understand his situation. His past is cruel and his racist attitude right now must be the result of the experiences he had. I think it’s called Defense Mechanism? And I can’t really blame him for thinking black people are this and that and Russians are this and that and Indians are this and that… my my he has a lot to say to different people! One of the reasons is because he was not able to finish his university studies because he got my mom pregnant.. (but I’m telling you they’re both really, really smart) and now he can only work in a fast food chain. I don’t have any problem with that. I am proud of my dad. He worked in Saudi for 12 years to give us a very luxurious life, he’s working really hard right now and he’s a very supportive father to me and to my brother and sister. He knows what he’s doing and he knows he’s being a racist when he says things. He knows the consequences and the negativity of the idea. He knows it’s wrong and he knows that he can offend people but he said he will never stop, because that’s him. And that made me realize that maybe he also knows that he needs to be racist for his confidence to survive in this world full of amazing and wonderful people.

My mom on the other hand completely took my “innocence” seriously. Of course mom, I am well aware of my surroundings. I hope you understand why I don’t know where the cooking oil is and why I don’t know how to use our oven. We just moved here in Canada, my head is filled with ideas and plans and scary thoughts like university… I can’t relax my mind even for a minute because I worry so much for my future, we don’t know this country; I don’t know the ways here, and those horrifying truths are what are occupying my mind. I hope I can discuss this topic (racism) with you again, when I’m in a comfortable state. (I was crying when we had this discussion hihihi).

Mom, I hope you don’t look at this as your daughter being rebellious. I am growing, I am learning, of course I wouldn’t just rely on your knowledge anymore. I have to look at the world through my own eyes and discover new ideas and choose what I think is best for me to believe in. This is how you raised me; you gave me the right to choose on whatever religion I think would suit me. This freedom of course will be applied on other aspects too. Whether I like it or not, I will now have to carefully filter words, phrases, quotes, news, essays, blogs and books before I believe it. Of course I believe you. I trust you. But I need to get this brain of mine to start working and function on its own. I thank you for giving me this kind of ability. Love you.♥


My fav blogger eyh ♥

“Desire more, fear less. Fear more, desire less.”

“I have to get in touch with my feelings even though they may seem senseless”

Oh how I get the best quotes from her. Haha :]

My fav blogger is back and she’s madddd. Her posts are meaningful (unlike mine) and they make sense. This will probably be my most meaningful post because I will be talking about a blogger that has anxiety problems (as she says). I only hope I don’t ruin her meaningful insights in life by talking about how I reflect to it. 😀

Her recent posts are about how her break up with her boyfriend is affecting her and her life. I tried to convince myself that I don’t need to read those because I’m over my past but I failed. As always, curiosity overlaps the limitations I’m trying to imply. And now you’re reading the words of a girl that had just traveled exactly 12 months ago. Last year was horrible. In my sixteen years of living, last year was just the worst. “The reason why I’m like this is because I lost myself to someone I love.” Completely lost. Like I couldn’t even remember how I was before, couldn’t remember who I am right now and that just messed how I wanted my life to be. For that whole year, I suffered under savage thoughts and memories along with some helpful i-think-i-still-love-you-but-im-not-sure-idk-idk-idk signs from my ex. It was massacre, I was killed twice the deaths in the Rwandan Genocide. lol forgive me i just want to include what i learned yesterday haha! But it was a great lesson. I remember two months ago when I was just starting to like this senior student in my school, I asked myself if I was ready to love. The next day while I was on my way home, I said to myself that I will never love again and then I stopped for a minute, in the middle of the road, 😀 looked up and then I looked down and then I started laughing. The next time I fall in love, I’ll love deeper. I don’t care if it eventually leads me to a broken heart, literally torn in half with a knife stabbed in my chest. It’s either I love with all my heart or I don’t love at all. I will never love like how my friends told me “Dapat kasi wag sobra, dapat yung tama lang. Para kapag naghiwalay kayo, di ka magsusuicide” Butterflies lang ang nagsusuicide, e cockroach kaya ako >:b

Well that was a fun time travel. Reading her posts made me remember my days before but it also made me realize how strong I am right now. It’s just not scary anymore. I am fearless once again!

Okay now, ex is ex, and ex means former. We were nothing but friends before. It’s a former friendship, nothing more. =)))) I am not trying to deny that we had a thing for each other okayyyy, it’s just… Haha! First love is first love but really that was definitely not a relationship.

I know I was a drama queen before, but now I’m just a princess in love. Ever since we got here in Canada I’ve been changing my views, beliefs and feelings. Change is good. I left everything in Philippines and now I’m starting a new life and I don’t want my past to mess this up. I’ve been really patient, I’m not rushing into love. I’m not waiting either. I’m just breathing and enjoying life. ♥ I’m pretty sure my fav blogger will find herself again, get back to track and start running but for now, she just has to enjoy the pain while it’s there. And I just have to enjoy her writings about death, changes, fear and desire while she’s still in it. Oh she’s the bestest haha! ♥

Lost in Both Ways, One Sleeping, One Awake

Lost in Both Ways, One Sleeping, One Awake
by Julien ♥

Lost in both ways, one sleeping, one awake
Nightmares, nightmares haunt, nightmares as you sleep
Kiss the blueberry skies so you don’t break

Glorious phrases, majestic words they make
Deceitful faces, savage beasts in turn
Lost in both ways, one sleeping, one awake

Taken for granted, nothing left to take
Annihilation of heart- colored lips
Kiss the blueberry skies so you don’t break

Seized by the wind, a beautiful mistake
Embrace the butterflies, open your eyes
Lost in both ways, one sleeping, one awake

Watery eyes for eating up the lake
Bittersweet memories piling up at night
Kiss the blueberry skies so you don’t break

Struggle to survive, just breathe, for good sake
In dreams and words, everything is gone
Lost in both ways, one sleeping, one awake
Kiss the blueberry skies so you don’t break

May 17, 2013

Last, last, last.

Last presentation in history. 
It sucked big time. 😦 We were not prepared and we’re not done with the hand outs yet. Idk this is just a huge mess. 

Last essay.
We’re working on our last essay in English. It’s complicated!! 

Last quintet rehearsal.
We had our last quintet rehearsal for this sem. Next week we’re going to have a celebration!! Ayeeee!! 😀 
Oooooh I have good news  ♥♥ We were playing The Russian Sailor’s Dance and while playing I saw someone at the door watching us. Guess whooooo ♥ Hahaha! It was my crush!!!! Ohhh today was terrible but that moment just turned my day upside down. ♥



Nirequest ko, nakuha ko. Most Honorable…. Mehehe.
Nakakatuwa kpag naaalala ko gaano ako kaingay sa conference na yan. 😀 Nag enjoy talaga ako kahit isang araw lang ang meron kami para magreview. Nagsisimula na ang LCIMUN para sa conference namin sa October. At siguradong magpupursigi ang lahat para di kami makaranas ng mga pagsubok hahahha =))

Congratulations to my first dance :”> Mehehehe Best Delegate- Jesse!!! 🙂
Si Master Yongrui din pala, most honorable Sobrang namiss ko si Zak! =))) Di kasi sya sumama kasi first day ng campaign………. Kamiss.

Dko pa alam kung kelan yung susunod na conference. Mukhang hindi pa ngayon……… O next month….. Dahil sa exams….. Super pahinga 🙂 Sayang di sumama crush ko =))))) pero okay na rin, baka magkasama pa kami sa iisang conference….. Di pko magsalita =)))

Pagkatapos kiligin ng kiligin ng kiligin, ayun sawi =))) Ang gulo naman kasi. Ang gulo ng utak ko =)))) Ang hirap pala talaga maging assuming… Masaya sa una, pero sa dulo masakit. =))

Pano na ako sa Monday nito…………

Lagi na lang…♥

Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya bang ganito o talagang nagkakataon lang. Bakit ba di ko nagiging close friend ang mga crush ko? 😦 Yung iba never ko pang nakausap sa personal, madalas hanggang like lang ako ng picture or status. <//3 Kasalanan ko ba o ganito talaga? Di ko malaman kung umiiwas sila, o ako umiiwas (unconsciously). Naguguluhan lang talaga ako kasi ngayon nagiging kaclose ko na yung mga kaibigan nya pero siya wala pa sa HI at HELLO. Medyo malayo pa nga sa ngiti. =)))))

Pero sinusubukan ko naman. =))) Syempre #inspiration ko yun dapat makausap ko man lang for a change. =))))) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~ di bale na. ♥ Ang dami niya ng natutulong sakin ng hindi niya alam ♥ ♥ 😀 Iba talaga kapag inspired 😉 ♥